Asking Eric: Wife will not tell her brother about her father abuse

Dear Eric: Soon after we had our first child, my wife discovered a repressed memory that she was sexually abused by her father when she was 18 years old.

I have always encouraged it to share this burden with her brother, but she is clearly against her. While I understood this, I read about how that trauma affects later in life. Symptoms match many of her behaviors – such as avoiding conflicts. For example, I was often the only one willing to call our children on things they had to be called, such as not redness. Once they were in high school, I woke up over him. Big kids believing it’s okay? My wife wasn’t willing to say something?

Our children are almost 30 years old, mature and we all understand each other well. But I see and feel a lot of untreated suffering and I feel that life could be much better for her. Although, for her, they would feel dangerous confident in anyone else. Her older brother is a balanced person in the mid -1970s, and his good will to her means a lot to her. I have no idea how it would take it. I’m pretty sure he would believe it and help mitigate his suffering.

Trust in her brother may not be the only way before, but my intuition is that it would help a lot. Your advice?

– Concerned husband

Dear husband: While your desire to help your wife comes from a good place, pressing it to process its trauma in a way it is resistant, it could cause more harm. Please give the idea of ​​entrusting her in her brother. It is not what he wants to do and I am not sure he would do what you hope will be.

However, accepting her for who she is – and where she is on her journey – will help you to be a safe resource for her. Stop intensity; Your solutions are not her solutions. Try not to pathologize past behaviors such as avoiding conflicts. Focus on the present. If he does not work already with a therapist who is trained to work with people who have suffered sexual abuse, this is a good first step for it. You can suggest it and even give it to help you find someone, but it must be its decision.

There is no time clock. Continue to listen to what he says, without judgment and sometimes without comments. When we process trauma, we need to know that the people we trust can keep our pain. This creates the confidence needed to ask for help.